Just Ordinary
No one told me I had wings
If I knew I'd fly away
I'm like the caged bird that sings
That never seen the light of day
People think I'm just ordinary
I'm left alone
Like some street canary
With no love to own.
I wished to be invisible
But all I got was hate
Life was unbearable
Until I met my fate.
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Angel, if you want this unlocked, let me know.
*locked*
-Kylan
Hey!
Nice poem! You had a lot of emotions packed into it, which flowed rather nicely.
Personally, I would change it to, "If I'd known I'd fly away." It makes a bit more sense then what you said.
I would add some commas and periods to help your poem flow a bit better. For example...
... you could add a period at the end of each and every stanza.
I didn't really understand this part. I've never seen a canary on the street before.... This line is one of the examples where you let your poem get pulled by your rhyme. I would suggest doing freestyle until you make things more understandable.
Your ending fell a bit flat to me. Make your endings end with a POP. That's all you really need for a poem like this to stand out from the other ones.
Awesome job! Keep up the good work!
zOe
Strongly reminds me of how really talented people don't get their fair chance in life.
Nice message in that poem.
and this is what I think you should put
I hope you understand why I made these edits. The beginning didn't make sense to me. I had to read a few times before understanding that if you knew you had wings you'd fly away. Also some of the words you used weren't in the correct tense, so I fixd that. Other than that I found this poem spectacular. You are a great writer. Please feel free to edit my work as well.
Lovely poem. You have some strong and unexpected lines, such as:
Powerful opening. It makes the reader wonder how the narrator could have wings (metaphorical or not) and still not notice.
Also an unusual line. Normally fate is seen as the dreaded, inevitable force that'll ram a stake through your heart when you meet it. Here, the unquestionable nature of fate is blessing. I've never seen this before. Good job with that.
Now for the nit-picks. The ABAB rhyme scheme gives this poem a forced, painful quality (like it's constipated) and takes away from the emotional power. I would like it better if you only rhymed the 2nd and 4th lines of each stanza.
.
If you took out the word "just," this would flow much better.
Nice poem, Angel!
This poem, my love was thoroughly marvellous by almost every measure. The metre was just how I like it; restrained, uncomplicated and slightly flexible. What I mean by that is that, to my taste, poetic structure need not be regimented and set in stone (10,10,10,10)... Sometimes, a poem needs to be a little flexible to mimic thought or speech - particularly modern poetry. And you did this for me, so well done on that account.
The sentiment of this poem was sweet, although melancholy. The subject was depressing but you successfully presented it in a way that was not akin to having treacle poured over your head...ick!
There were one or two gremlins in your poem, but I have so many in my works it is unreal
"That's" would be more appropriate
Although I spoke before about a flexible structure, this line destroys the rhythm of your piece; which is somewhat unnerving. Just add a couple extra syllables me thinks
Over all, a fantabulous poem
You may have a star my dear.
Love
Kris
x
I had a big problem with the "I'm like the caged bird that sings" line. Because it's so close to Maya Angelou's title I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, yet it doesn't allude to either the actual story or the theme anywhere else in the poem. I think this shows that you don't quite know what you're saying, since you've referenced something that has no relevance to the rest of the poem.
Try rewriting this poem without the rhyming. Because right now, it sounds like you're writing to the rhyme rather than letting the rhyme fit the poem (ex: Like some street canary/ With no love to own).
Because of this, the poem as a whole doesn't really mean a whole lot. Even within the poem, I found contradictions. Stanza two is about people passing you by, but stanza three is about just wanting to blend in. I think the best advice I could give you would be to have a clear idea of what you're writing about before you write. Well, maybe not necessarily before you write. But at least before you edit.
You might find Ray Bradbury's poem I Have Endured Much to Reach this Place interesting, as it is also about feeling invisible and not in control. Here's a link; it's the first poem listed on the page: http://www.salmonpoetry.com/bradbury.html
Notice in the last line how he has alluded to Hamlet's famous soliloquy (which can be found here (I know it seems long, but you can pull what's relevant from the first five or six lines):http://www.artofeurope.com/shakespeare/sha8.htm ) "You see?/ I cannot choose to be or not to be." The reference serves to emphasize the narrator's lack of control, but it doesn't just say that; it gives an example that could [I suppose] work whether or not the reader had knowledge of Shakespeare.
Feel free to PM me if you have any questions; I'd be happy to help ^_^
-Amelia
Now where did I put that big "cliche" stamp?
Cliche. It's a nice try, but doesn't stand out that much. It's like I've read it before, know what I'm saying? The sentiment is a nice one, but try to express it in a way that hasn't been done before. We've all heard pretty much this same poem on Hallmark cards and in pop songs before. Make your poetry stand out; make it special. Say what you want to say, not what you've heard from other people. The whole "caged bird" thing has really gotten old by now.
Grammar and Punctuation. Please consider these important. Yes, it's a good idea to punctuate your poetry unless you have a really good reason not to, and it's also a good idea to learn the rules before you break them.
Keep working on it!
-Colleen
I really do like where this is going but, yes there is a but, I think you ended it too quickly. The ending is the most important piece in a poem I think so if you work on the ending I think it will be much better...just let your words flow and it will all come into place if you need any help just pm okay?
Keep up the good work
lost-my-mind
I like it!
It got a little confusing at the end... So I would suggest that you review it!
~ Gwen
wow, alot of emotion packed in a small piece. this is very good.
the only part that confused me was the street canary. but it has its place. so i wouldnt change a thing. this is well written.
kim